Are you the black sheep of your family, your company, or
even your spiritual group? Are you routinely
criticized by others in your group, dumped on or not invited to important
events? Are you left with the tasks or
jobs that no one wants to do? More importantly,
do you accept this role in life by allowing yourself to be treated badly? Do
you find it difficult to speak up in self defense? Do you even know how to do that?
Being the black sheep is an issue that has cropped up
routinely with my clients over the years, and I have had a few more of them
lately. One of my clients lives on a
corner lot and plants a beautiful flower garden each year. There have been several times over the years when
people have parked their cars on the street and invaded her yard, trampling her
flowers, just to take some photos. All
without asking her permission. Some of
her friends, clients and even members of her meditation group have treated her
in a very disrespectful manner, often in her own house no less. I do have to say that in this case, she has
made tremendous progress, but it has been slow going at times. Incidents still crop up occasionally.
It seems that in any gathering of individuals, from 2 people
on upwards, someone always takes on this role.
With 2 people, the situation is obvious.
With 3, we have the victim, perpetrator and rescuer dynamic, and the
roles can rotate around. See the post on
the Toxic Triangle for more about that. With
larger groups, people tend to fall into the distorted family dynamics that they
experienced as children. See the post on
Group Dynamics for more on how people in groups sort themselves out. Spiritual groups are not immune to this patterning, either. In the 90's, I studied with several of these groups, and the energetic goofiness with people supposedly working with the "light" were unbelievable at times. Many times I saw the group dark side energy gathered up and used to attack someone within that same group.
There are many causes for taking on the black sheep, target on the back or bullied role, and I like to
think that a soul chooses this because of the experiences and learning to be
had. I always go back to a person’s
early life’s circumstances for the clues.
In large families, birth order does not have an effect on who takes on
the black sheep role. For example, I have
2 female clients who were born in the middle of 6 siblings, and because all of the
previous births in their family were girls, and the parents wanted a boy, they
were somehow looked upon as less than by mom and dad, right from birth.
Sometimes it’s the sibling that makes the most trouble that gets
all of the grief. Of course, there can
be multiple reasons for the trouble making.
I always say that if others regard you as toxic or dysfunctional, they
are more than happy to dump some more on you, assuming that you would never
notice the extra heavy energy. After
all, we take our garbage to the dump, don’t we?
This is why the oddball kids end up being either bullies or
bullied. That behavior also starts within
the family unit.
What about the way we treat ourselves? We humans tend to take the critical and
demeaning external voices from our childhood, and eventually, we internalize them and start treating ourselves in that manner. Babies are not born that
way, they are made. If we remember that
like attracts like, how we regard ourselves internally will attract that same behavior
from others.
People cope with this role in life in many different ways. Some become bullies in return, others retreat
into isolation because of the pain. I
have dealt with many clients who give and give until they are empty and others
who become supreme caretakers with the hope at least on some level, that they get the appreciation
and “good for you” that they never had as children. Both coping mechanisms generally lead to
increased ill health as the person gets older, too. That’s a good reason to do some self
examination and make a change.
Unfortunately, this is a tough pattern to break, as there is
a sense that everyone likes the caretaker, and that person gets at least some gratification
from the distorted behavior. Those who
dump on the black sheep also feel better, as they are getting rid of their
garbage. Even the troublemaker gets attention,
but generally of the negative kind. For
some, that is better than nothing. In the
next post I will write about what can be done if you are wanting to make a
change in your status as a black sheep.
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