For the past several weeks, I have had workmen here repairing
and fixing up the exterior of my house. First
it was a crew of 3 guys replacing old siding and building a new deck. They were professional, eager to please, and very
nice to work with. No complaints
there. After them came the painter who
repainted the whole house. This is
someone that the remodeling crew recommended and had worked with in the
past. I thought, OK, as that would save
me the trouble of finding my own painter.
Unfortunately, when he finished up I was busy with a client,
so I just handed him a check for the balance of the work and went back to my
client. Later in the day, I took a walk
around the house to look things over and found several things amiss, the
biggest of which was his failure to fill in the nail holes from the new siding
before he painted the house. It looked
like someone had shot the house with a BB gun!
Well, that ticked me off as this guy was generally nice but kind
of a whiner and I thought I was done with him at last. Being attentive to my inner process, this was
the first indication that I needed to do some work on myself. A negative emotional response to any situation always points the way for this.
After I calmed down a bit, my own mental looping started
up. Do I express my complaints and risk
hurting his feelings? Do I ignore the situation
and just hope that the siding does not suffer further damage because of all of the
tiny holes? If I do that, do I get
pissed off again every time I look at it, and angry at myself because I wasn’t
able to resolve the situation? Most
importantly, why was I conflicted and looping?
Certainly there was a correct path to follow here, but I couldn’t
discern it.
Then it hit me. I had
reverted back to a childhood pattern of reaction to my mother. Wow!! When
will I be done with that one? Certainly
a lot went on in my childhood, but the aspect of it all that reared its ugly
head a few days ago was the result of
being raised by a mother who had the expectation that her children could be
molded to fit her image of what they should be like without any regard to them as individuals with their
own gifts and talents. People in general were never good
enough unless they met all of her criteria.
If they did not, a whole host of energetic attack was likely to break out. As a result, I became extremely shy and stressed as a child, whereas my sister took
the opposite mode as a rebel and somewhat of a trouble maker. Both ends of the polarity spectrum there!
So the looping was a result of not being empowered as a
child to be my own person no matter what that looked like. Believe me, that had been a life long
struggle until I got divorced and started to reclaim my autonomy as an
individual. I was honestly confused as
to how to proceed. This was the point when
I reassured my inner child that everything was going to be OK and then went
within for guidance. “Man up” I told
myself, and I gave the painter a call.
Not the response I was hoping for, as he indicated that my
complaints were somewhat nonsensical and that he also would not be able to come
out any time soon to correct them. He
was not as accommodating as the remodeling crew was! On to plan B, but not before the looping
started up again.
What do I do now?
Again more confusion and worrying about hurting his feelings. I then again engaged my inner child, settled
her down and reassured her that it would be safe for her if I stepped up and took
the next step. The next morning I went
into my bank and stopped payment on the check that I had given the painter the
day before. An extreme measure for me,
as this was the first time in my life that I had to do that because I was
dissatisfied with the service rendered.
OK! I could feel the childhood
patterns of caving in to a more dominant “mother” force reversing themselves while
at the same time, the feelings of greater certainty and autonomy were growing within me.
After that, there was no problem calling the painter and
telling him that I had stopped the check and that he wouldn’t get paid until the job was done correctly. He showed up that very afternoon and started
filling in the many tiny holes in the siding.
Nothing like withholding money to get the job moving along! Of course, I could tell by his mopey demeanor
that I had become his over critical mommy, but that is his deal. It’s always interesting to see that in any
interaction between 2 people, the unhealed aspects, especially from childhood,
can rear up to be dealt with.
My hope is that everyone reading this can see how issues that
have triggered an out of balance emotional response can be resolved by first
noticing the emotional triggers, then going within to contact and work with the
wounded part that is generating the distorted emotional response, and then taking
some sort of action that is directed by higher guidance to empower and move
you forward in the healing process. It was
no accident that I attracted that specific painter who made those specific errors
to show me something about myself. I also
have every confidence that the painting job will be finished to my satisfaction. Thank you Mr. Painter!
Wow I love how you took us through the looping thought patterns and how you were able to trace it back to your childhood mother issue. And then how once you thought you solved it, the looping came back again and you took another step forward doing the stop payment. That inspires me. I can relate to this, but with father issues, like looping thoughts of "you are so lazy, better get to work!" Or "I'm gonna get in trouble if I'm caught doing what I enjoy and not what [insert "boss" figure] wants me to do."
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking us through your story in such a relatable way! Keep the posts like this coming! :-)
Thanks Jeff! So nice to hear from you and I am glad that you could relate to my processing methodology! Take care and have a Happy Thanksgiving.
ReplyDelete